By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Do you ever get into difficulty with your partner because:
You want to fix it and can't?
You don't know how to fix it, so you'd rather not talk about it?
You're busy trying to figure out how to fix it and not listening well?
You think you know just how to fix it but your partner isn't listening/receptive/letting you?
I hope you're laughing by now, because these responses are so human! We've all been there.
Fortunately, I have a simple "fix" to offer. You don't have to fix anything. Nearly all the time, your partner doesn't need or want you to fix; they want you to listen and care about his/her feelings, the situation, and generally just be emotionally present.
You can ask questions and be curious and interested. You can even ask what your partner needs right now. We've all been reminded that we have two ears and one mouth, and to use them in those proportions.
Many clients report that not having to fix something for their partner is a huge relief, and removes a lot of pressure. Give it a shot, see how it goes.