By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Love comes quietly,
Finally drops around me,
On me, in the old way.
What did I know,
Thinking myself able to go alone
All the way?
- Robert Creely
Are you in a loving marriage or relationship? Are still trying to go it alone within that structure? Are you trying to go it alone?
Many people’s life experiences leave them able to love, kind of. With certain barriers. Do you want to have a close partner, but are afraid for reasons that likely come from much earlier in life?
There are a lot of ways to go it alone within a relationship. You know how you do it—or do you? (We can be blind to our own patterns.) Do you know how your partner goes alone? Does s/he know how you do? There’s nothing wrong with living parallel lives, except there’s so much more that you can have.
Little kids first play by themselves, and then when they get a bit older and other kids are there, they play in parallel (each doing their own thing, but in proximity). Eventually kids play together. You can learn from kids.
I had to do a lot of things myself growing up. So I’m a very independent woman and go after what I want. And I’ve had to learn to surrender and let my husband walk with me, help me, hold me up at times. It didn’t come naturally. But now that I let him, life is better than it ever has been. The intimacy that I get to have with him is exquisite (I mean closeness, trust, talking, going places, laughter, emotional vulnerability, etc.). And I want that for you, too.
So let deep, vulnerable, intimate love fall on you quietly. Together.