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Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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My Best Tip Continued

Uploaded: Jan 8, 2016
When you get a great job, you do everything you can to be successful and work your way to promotions and raises.

When you find a great partner, please do everything you can to be successful and make your way to deeper intimacy, caring, connection, love, trust, and great sex, too. This provides the foundation to raise children (if you choose to so do), work, be of service, and follow your spiritual path if you have one. Those are the promotions and raises of a great relationship.

What can you both do for the good of the marriage? In fact, what did you do this week to make things better at home?

When we work with couples, we see issues as a systems breakdown – not him or her.

I saw an osteopath yesterday. He was explaining how my body has its own adaptations, and is not perfect. When something changes (in my case, getting rear-ended on 101 last March), the body cannot handle the change, and issues arise. The goal is not to get my body to a perfect state, but to a new adaptation that is manageable and healthy for me.

This is a lot like couples issues. You have come to your own stasis, and when a change comes along, the system gets overloaded and cannot handle it.

Think about how you want to behave in your relationship – what’s good for your marriage? Due to limbic resonance and neural plasticity, being and behaving in healthy ways in your relationship actually changes your brain and your partner’s, too, for the better.

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