The Opposite of What You Don't Want | Mind Matters | Caroline Fleck | Mountain View Online |

Local Blogs

Mind Matters

By Caroline Fleck

About this blog: I am a clinical psychologist, mother, and wife committed to using my life to help the lives of those around me. In addition to seeing clients in my private practice, I contribute to various training and research initiatives in cli...  (More)

View all posts from Caroline Fleck

The Opposite of What You Don't Want

Uploaded: May 17, 2015
Fun fact: One of the most effective strategies for addressing behavioral problems in children, is also among the most effective strategies for decreasing marital conflict. In other words, you can use the same approach to manage parent-child and marital conflicts.

What's the strategy? Parenting experts refer to it as reinforcing the "positive opposite" of an unwanted behavior.

For instance, if the unwanted behavior is putting objects in her mouth (as was the case with my 1 year old), the positive opposite (what I would prefer she did instead) might be giving me the objects she is thinking of putting in her mouth. Rather than saying "no," or enforcing a time out when she intentionally puts something in her mouth, I would take the object from her and thank her effusively for "giving it to me." The aim is to do this at every opportunity until she starts bringing items to you rather than putting them in her mouth (this may seem unlikely, but decades of research suggest that, if done correctly and consistently, emphasizing positive opposites will significantly increase compliant and prosocial behavior in most kids).

My example was with a young child, but reinforcing positive opposites has been shown to be an effective strategy for shaping the behavior of older children and adolescents, as well as kids with extreme behavioral problems.

Marriage experts recommend a similar strategy, which they term stating a "positive need." Rather than telling your partner what you don't want, identifying the positive need has you focus instead on what you want them to do. As John Gottman, PhD, says, the positive need is about highlighting ways in which your partner can "shine for you." It's telling them what you want or expect from an interaction in a gentle, non-defensive manner, rather than assuming that they will intuit your needs and then criticizing them when they don't.

For example, if what you want is support and validation, you might open a conversation with your partner by asking them to listen to your perspective without trying to solve the problem. You might emphasize that you want them to understand how you feel about the issue before attempting to resolve it.

If and when you do get the comfort you seek from your partner, find ways to reinforce them, rather than "letting sleeping dogs lie" by not attending to the behavior you want. If you aren't sure how to do this in the moment, circle back to it after you've had some time to reflect on what exactly you appreciated about their response and how you can most effectively reward them (the last thing you want is for your praise or statements of appreciation to come off as criticisms). Focus on finding ways of expressing appreciation that are sincere and effective.

Positive opposites and the positive need are based on the same basic principles:

1. In telling someone what not to do, we don't teach them or give them a sense of what to do. We often assume that they know, or should know, how to act, but behavioral research suggests that this is not the case. We require lots of direction in order to consistently engage in a behavior across situations and mood states. Most of us have had the experience of having mastered a speech or presentation, only to fail spectacularly at delivering it in front of an audience. Just because we know how to do something when we are cool, collected, and calm doesn't mean we'll be able to do it when we're stressed, excited, or frustrated.

2. Rewarding behavior is arguably the most effective way of getting it to reoccur. Again, punishment and criticism communicate what NOT to do, but they don't provide an opportunity for someone to practice the desired behavior. They also don't pair the desired behavior with a positive outcome (reward). To teach a dog to sit, you don't tell him to stop standing. You say the word "sit," help him down into a seated position, and then reward him with a treat for "sitting" and your enthusiastic praise.

3. We're likely to feel attacked when told that what we are doing is wrong or bad. When we feel criticized, we tend to become defensive; the more defensive we are, the more physiologically activated we become. When this happens, we transition into fighting mode, and fighting mode is not very conducive to learning new behaviors or reacting positively to feedback.

If you feel that you have tried these approaches and failed, or aren't sure how to apply them, I recommend checking out Kazdin's or Gottman's work. Both have written extensively on these concepts and have well researched strategies for how to use them effectively.

As an experiment this week, you might simply notice how often you say "no," "don't," or "stop" to your children. Again, each of these instances would be opportunities for taking a "positive opposites" approach. Similarly, in interactions with your partner, consider how you might frame your needs as opportunities for your partner to make you happy or to "shine for you," rather than ways in which they have disappointed or failed you.
What is it worth to you?


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Maria, a resident of Old Mountain View,
on Jun 9, 2015 at 6:32 pm

My teenager is does the opposite of everything I say. This problem is getting worse and worse and I am not sure what to do. It is now affecting his grades and classes. He has zero concern about school, grades, and his classes and I don not know what to do. To help him out I used to help my son write his papers for school. I am afraid that I may have created a huge problem by doing so. Now he refuses to write them because he knows I will bail him out. Finally, I had to stop doing it even if it meant him getting a zero. I was checking my statement the other day and there was a charge from Hopefully, I can try what you said in this article because I am not sure what to do.

 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Caroline Fleck, a Mountain View Online blogger,
on Jun 10, 2015 at 12:12 pm

Caroline Fleck is a registered user.

Maria that's super frustrating! My recommendation would be to maybe try to see someone with expertise in parenting issues to help you navigate getting back on track. I also highly recommend the book Parenting and Adolescents Working Together . Kazdin's book on oppositional children also has a section on dealing with oppositional adolescent behavior in adolescents . Both of these texts will provide much more detailed information on how to adapt and apply the strategies I discussed.

 +  Like this comment
Posted by Assignment Help Sydney, a resident of Rex Manor,
on Jul 25, 2017 at 3:50 am

Thanks a lot for sharing it, that's truly has added a lot to our knowledge about this topic. Have a more successful day.
Web Link

 +  Like this comment
Posted by MariaDPettiford, a resident of Cuernavaca,
on Aug 28, 2017 at 2:07 am

Thanks for a very useful article. I look forward for more interesting posts.

 +   1 person likes this
Posted by james, a resident of North Whisman,
on Sep 1, 2017 at 5:29 am

hi its really a good topic

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.



Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed.

Get the day's top headlines from Mountain View Online sent to your inbox in the Express newsletter.

Long-awaited Eataly Silicon Valley finally has its opening date
By The Peninsula Foodist | 1 comment | 3,379 views

What to do if you get a noisy Rheem/Ruud heat pump water heater
By Sherry Listgarten | 4 comments | 2,228 views

Don't Wait Till Your Child is 42 to Say "I'm Proud of You."
By Chandrama Anderson | 2 comments | 1,268 views

Do Palo Alto city officials ever, ever have enough money?
By Diana Diamond | 7 comments | 1,122 views