By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
View all posts from Chandrama Anderson
I read this question by Marianne Williamson (she's the one who wrote the quote often attributed to Nelson Mandela about letting our light shine in the world), and she means it in a kind and growth-oriented way (not in a self-blaming way). She says she knows you know the answer. And people say to her, "I'm needy," or "I'm afraid to make a commitment," or "I'm abrasive when someone gets too close."
Her response is that it's good you're single right now, so you can work out this issue and then be ready for love. I would say, we can work on it as a single person, and then we get to work on it in relationship, too, because that's where we are injured, and where we will heal ? in relationship.
Intimacy brings out the love and the fear in us. Letting another close to see our light and shadows is exquisite and terrifying. This is part of why certain people are so exemplary in the community and yet are unable to do the same at home. Those closest to us are the biggest challenge. The opportunity to know us authentically exists.
I often hear clients say that everything changed once they got married. This is why. We hope for love, passion and comfort, and our fears and defenses show up, too.
So figure out what you're doing to keep love at bay, take the risk to tell your beloved, and heal it together. I know it's scary. It's also worth it. And you can do it.