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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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What's Your Love Language?

Uploaded: Sep 16, 2014
If you've been reading Couple's Net, you've seen my references to Gary Chapman's concept (and books) of the 5 Love Languages.

I would recommend that you start with his online quiz to find out which is your Love Language. The five types are: Quality Time; Touch; Acts of Service; Words of Affirmation; and Gifts. People tell me the quiz itself is not great, but the outcome is valuable enough to do it anyway. Also, you can skip the part where they ask for your email address.

Our Love Language is what we most need to feel loved by our mate. However, we tend to give to our mate in our own Love Language, and therefore we may be missing a huge opportunity for her to feel loved by us.

Some couples have the same Love Language, many do not. Practice giving to him in his Love Language for a while and see what happens.

If your Love Language is touch, then also holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and passing touch can fill your "love tank," as Chapman calls it.

What did you do together when you were first dating? You likely gave to each other in each of your Love Languages, and now, for whatever reasons, you are not. So go back to doing what you did while dating.

I also recommend that you read the book, as he does a great and simple job of explaining the chemistry of the brain, transitioning to long-term relationships, and generally helping couples understand and learn from their issues.

My one caveat: Chapman's book has a distinctly Christian tone to it. As with any suggestion I offer; do with it as you wish, take what's useful and leave the rest.

My clients tell me that giving and receiving in their own Love Language does not resolve their issues; it brings down the tension level in their relationship so that they can learn about and work on the actual issues.


Comments

 +  Like this comment
Posted by Palo Alto Resident, a resident of Embarcadero Oaks/Leland,
on Sep 16, 2014 at 2:22 pm

I thought this test was really stupid when I was talking it, but then was shocked at how accurate the results were. Interesting. Food for thought, for sure.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by RW, a resident of another community,
on Sep 17, 2014 at 9:38 am

My husband and I took this test a few years ago. It confirmed what I knew, that we both connect through "Touch". This works really well for us because we give each other lots of hugs and hold hands a lot. We both know that recharges our connection. I forget how else we scored on other measures, but "Touch" was the strongest.


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