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Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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“What Are You Doing that is Keeping Love at Bay?”

Uploaded: Jan 31, 2014
I read this question by Marianne Williamson (she's the one who wrote the quote often attributed to Nelson Mandela about letting our light shine in the world), and she means it in a kind and growth-oriented way (not in a self-blaming way). She says she knows you know the answer. And people say to her, "I'm needy," or "I'm afraid to make a commitment," or "I'm abrasive when someone gets too close."

Her response is that it's good you're single right now, so you can work out this issue and then be ready for love. I would say, we can work on it as a single person, and then we get to work on it in relationship, too, because that's where we are injured, and where we will heal – in relationship.

Intimacy brings out the love and the fear in us. Letting another close to see our light and shadows is exquisite and terrifying. This is part of why certain people are so exemplary in the community and yet are unable to do the same at home. Those closest to us are the biggest challenge. The opportunity to know us authentically exists.

I often hear clients say that everything changed once they got married. This is why. We hope for love, passion and comfort, and our fears and defenses show up, too.

So figure out what you're doing to keep love at bay, take the risk to tell your beloved, and heal it together. I know it's scary. It's also worth it. And you can do it.

Comments

Posted by Mr Niceo, a resident of Bailey Park,
on Feb 5, 2014 at 2:14 pm

Is it OK to do it on the first date, without protection?


Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Mountain View Online blogger,
on Feb 5, 2014 at 3:30 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

My post was not about sex, so I am wondering if you were trying to be provocative or just did not read carefully?

If you are referring to having sex on the first date, that is a personal choice based on values and safety. One needs to use protection to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

For further information on safe sex, visit http://www.plannedparenthood.org/


Posted by SR, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood,
on Feb 5, 2014 at 9:51 pm

The quote you attribute to Marianne Williamson comes from the bible. "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." Matthew 5:16


Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Mountain View Online blogger,
on Feb 6, 2014 at 11:09 am

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

This is the quote I am referring to:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." From 'A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles,' Harper Collins, 1992. (Pg. 190-191).


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